(Written Saturday, March 19, 2011, while completing army infantry training. Boot camp takes away a part of you, forcing you to find it and take it back.)
I find no solace in hooks and blows
or combat quarters close.
I get no high in steel or chrome
for they cannot fend off the ghosts.
Nighttime twinge marks confusion's wake,
no cover to hide from fear.
First step's courage is next step's drain
expressed by Sunday's tears.
Twists and turns of heart and soul
behind these walls expected.
Shouts and chants build fortress guise,
true self goes undetected.
Yield not to weakness, to pain, to hunger,
to mind's resistance strong.
Give in to order, to tradition's code,
and to identity - so long.
Build trust, make friends, make memories,
learn life from one another.
And when flag and promise
take life and limb,
dress, recover.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Final Resting Place
(Written Sunday, April 3, 2011, while completing army infantry training. Boot camp will do this to you.)
Breathe in, breathe out,
where is life?
I reach for solace amidst strain,
no one notices.
Get in, get out,
where is night?
We do so little in so much time,
I just want to close my eyes.
Almost out of try,
want goodbye for once.
Want to lie for escape,
want to die.
Want to bound out into night,
dangerous freedom.
Wanting pride from loving smiles,
want last day to come.
So long, so long,
either way.
Might sleep well tonight,
might say goodbye today.
So long, so long,
final resting place
could be dream's awakened day,
could be safe to stay.
Could be soul's last challenge,
final resting place.
Breathe in, breathe out,
where is life?
I reach for solace amidst strain,
no one notices.
Get in, get out,
where is night?
We do so little in so much time,
I just want to close my eyes.
Almost out of try,
want goodbye for once.
Want to lie for escape,
want to die.
Want to bound out into night,
dangerous freedom.
Wanting pride from loving smiles,
want last day to come.
So long, so long,
either way.
Might sleep well tonight,
might say goodbye today.
So long, so long,
final resting place
could be dream's awakened day,
could be safe to stay.
Could be soul's last challenge,
final resting place.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
For a Stranger
(Written October 1, 2006. More hopeless romance.)
Please tell me that you’re the type,
That doesn’t feed into the dating hype.
That you’d rather wait till the moment is right,
To meet that someone new.
Because I’m all about the pause of time,
When every word seems to rhyme,
And your heart finally agrees with your mind,
And you know that moment is for you.
If so, then be sure to keep your eyes open,
For steps astray and words not meant to be spoken.
Because your routine could easily be broken
When love comes in contact with surprise.
Because the way I figure, you’re due for a change.
I’ll extend my hand and ask of your name,
Hoping you’re compelled to do the same,
So I have a chance to lock into your eyes.
Maybe you started your way alone,
Or gave up a past and are now on your way home,
Distrust and hurt in your heart has grown,
Striking silent the strings of love’s tune.
But hopefully I can find the chord,
To help you sing songs your heart affords,
Write masterpieces to lead you towards
Crescendos of love sang in tune.
I want to be your warm embrace,
A familiar hold, a familiar face,
And a beacon of light in a darkened place,
That protects you from wiles of danger.
And we can walk this life with hands held together,
Symphonies completed in perfect measure.
Memories for a lifetime to treasure,
Starting with a beautiful stranger.
The face of a beautiful stranger…
Please tell me that you’re the type,
That doesn’t feed into the dating hype.
That you’d rather wait till the moment is right,
To meet that someone new.
Because I’m all about the pause of time,
When every word seems to rhyme,
And your heart finally agrees with your mind,
And you know that moment is for you.
If so, then be sure to keep your eyes open,
For steps astray and words not meant to be spoken.
Because your routine could easily be broken
When love comes in contact with surprise.
Because the way I figure, you’re due for a change.
I’ll extend my hand and ask of your name,
Hoping you’re compelled to do the same,
So I have a chance to lock into your eyes.
Maybe you started your way alone,
Or gave up a past and are now on your way home,
Distrust and hurt in your heart has grown,
Striking silent the strings of love’s tune.
But hopefully I can find the chord,
To help you sing songs your heart affords,
Write masterpieces to lead you towards
Crescendos of love sang in tune.
I want to be your warm embrace,
A familiar hold, a familiar face,
And a beacon of light in a darkened place,
That protects you from wiles of danger.
And we can walk this life with hands held together,
Symphonies completed in perfect measure.
Memories for a lifetime to treasure,
Starting with a beautiful stranger.
The face of a beautiful stranger…
But I Think I'm Fine
(Written March 3, 2009. It's not all peaches and cream. Sometimes the only way to beat the doldrums is to face it head on.)
I don't know why everyone is so worried
when I retreat to my room at night.
"Darling, how are you feeling today?"
Don't worry, I think I'm fine.
Hours staring at broken computer screens,
love to be alone most of the time.
Since when did silence become uncanny,
since when was loneliness a crime?
Haven't talked to friends in ages,
phone sits right next to my pillow.
You say I look thin and sad,
But I think I'm fine.
Besides, the bed is my best friend,
it asks no questions and tells no lies.
It hugs me when I'm sad and lonely,
it catches all the tears I cry.
You worry that I don't get out enough,
you say I'm far from alright.
I say these meds are bullshit
and they make me far too tired.
Everyone has a diagnosis,
everyone has a remedy to life.
But you don't see the demons I wrestle,
and besides, have you ever met my mind?
I try hard to be so selfless,
I try hard to be so kind.
Forget death, I'm feeling well rested,
tonight I'm going to try and fly...
I've got books and I've got websites,
a cheap guitar I can pretend to play,
a job that I hate and skip quite often,
and rampant thoughts to help pass the day.
In my head is a person I hate,
in my head is someone I love.
Instead of suggesting another useless book
come help me rescue them both from the flood.
I don't know why you're so worried
when it seems I'm just getting by.
You know me, I wouldn't lie, would I?
I think I'm fine,
I know I'll be fine,
finding out how to be fine...
I don't know why everyone is so worried
when I retreat to my room at night.
"Darling, how are you feeling today?"
Don't worry, I think I'm fine.
Hours staring at broken computer screens,
love to be alone most of the time.
Since when did silence become uncanny,
since when was loneliness a crime?
Haven't talked to friends in ages,
phone sits right next to my pillow.
You say I look thin and sad,
But I think I'm fine.
Besides, the bed is my best friend,
it asks no questions and tells no lies.
It hugs me when I'm sad and lonely,
it catches all the tears I cry.
You worry that I don't get out enough,
you say I'm far from alright.
I say these meds are bullshit
and they make me far too tired.
Everyone has a diagnosis,
everyone has a remedy to life.
But you don't see the demons I wrestle,
and besides, have you ever met my mind?
I try hard to be so selfless,
I try hard to be so kind.
Forget death, I'm feeling well rested,
tonight I'm going to try and fly...
I've got books and I've got websites,
a cheap guitar I can pretend to play,
a job that I hate and skip quite often,
and rampant thoughts to help pass the day.
In my head is a person I hate,
in my head is someone I love.
Instead of suggesting another useless book
come help me rescue them both from the flood.
I don't know why you're so worried
when it seems I'm just getting by.
You know me, I wouldn't lie, would I?
I think I'm fine,
I know I'll be fine,
finding out how to be fine...
Finally Finding
(written Saturday, February 21, 2009. After all of our searching, when will we realize that it's been with us the whole time?)
We spend most of our lives
searching for finite light,
bright, nice,
burning for what seems like quite a while.
Intense, right here right now.
Wow, it's gone already...
We search, we find, we search again.
Do we ever find?
Each time I settle
I just fall farther behind...
As hot as that fire burns,
it's so easily put out.
Doubt, loss,
life shows us who's boss.
I don't dwell on faults,
because life will happen with or without them.
But what are we looking for?
What should we find?
I try to grab a piece of time,
to confine a bit of mind,
to unwind it's coiled lines,
it never works...
It could be right next to me,
a part of me,
I'll test and see
where letting go takes me,
I'll be a living testimony.
It could be so close it hurts,
an unseen fire still burns,
a pacified mind still yearns
for that comfort.
It could be just waiting for me,
it could come out of nowhere.
How dare I say I know what's best,
I fare no better left to my own guess,
my mind is holy when I let go and rest...
It could have just dropped in,
a chance that suddenly walked in,
disguised as a helping hand,
have to realize that moment.
And I've waited so long for just that,
thought I was sure I had found just that,
always expect you have no idea what to expect,
you have no idea what you'll forget
when it finally comes to change your mind.
After spending so long
searching for finite light,
forget your past,
be ready to finally find,
actually finally find,
what lasts.
We spend most of our lives
searching for finite light,
bright, nice,
burning for what seems like quite a while.
Intense, right here right now.
Wow, it's gone already...
We search, we find, we search again.
Do we ever find?
Each time I settle
I just fall farther behind...
As hot as that fire burns,
it's so easily put out.
Doubt, loss,
life shows us who's boss.
I don't dwell on faults,
because life will happen with or without them.
But what are we looking for?
What should we find?
I try to grab a piece of time,
to confine a bit of mind,
to unwind it's coiled lines,
it never works...
It could be right next to me,
a part of me,
I'll test and see
where letting go takes me,
I'll be a living testimony.
It could be so close it hurts,
an unseen fire still burns,
a pacified mind still yearns
for that comfort.
It could be just waiting for me,
it could come out of nowhere.
How dare I say I know what's best,
I fare no better left to my own guess,
my mind is holy when I let go and rest...
It could have just dropped in,
a chance that suddenly walked in,
disguised as a helping hand,
have to realize that moment.
And I've waited so long for just that,
thought I was sure I had found just that,
always expect you have no idea what to expect,
you have no idea what you'll forget
when it finally comes to change your mind.
After spending so long
searching for finite light,
forget your past,
be ready to finally find,
actually finally find,
what lasts.
Fade to Way
(Written July 8, 2009. The various facets of myself are constantly competing, and I quite often begin walking a distinct path only to get distracted and crossover onto another. Sometimes I need a reminder that, ultimately, what I'm searching for is so easily realized when I let go and let the path unfold before me.)
My way is wary,
curving, winding,
never finding end.
Never good timing.
No remembrance of beginning,
no surrender to giving in.
No recognition of the win.
I pretend like it doesn't matter
that my way is tormented
by pitter patter
of the rain.
My way is hardly sane.
It avoids and denies change
yet it changes all the same.
My way fades away
when mind finally rests
and puts silence to the test.
And then I'm at my best.
I ask the quest about the mark
of a true skeptic, of a sage,
and it answered only with gravel
unpaved, showing the way.
I fade away when I fade to way.
I shape thoughts by sounds of day.
I pray darkness never finds light
because I find acceptance the only way.
I fade to way when my mind stays
comfortable with how things may
so easily drift away.
To find self, I fade to way.
My way is wary,
curving, winding,
never finding end.
Never good timing.
No remembrance of beginning,
no surrender to giving in.
No recognition of the win.
I pretend like it doesn't matter
that my way is tormented
by pitter patter
of the rain.
My way is hardly sane.
It avoids and denies change
yet it changes all the same.
My way fades away
when mind finally rests
and puts silence to the test.
And then I'm at my best.
I ask the quest about the mark
of a true skeptic, of a sage,
and it answered only with gravel
unpaved, showing the way.
I fade away when I fade to way.
I shape thoughts by sounds of day.
I pray darkness never finds light
because I find acceptance the only way.
I fade to way when my mind stays
comfortable with how things may
so easily drift away.
To find self, I fade to way.
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